More good stuff : )

Audrey Assad, "Ought to Be"

I love you more than a slow-falling summer rain
More than a silence that only the snow leaves behind
I love you more

And I love you better than the gray of the autumn air
Better than spring in its blooming against the sky
I love you more

It may not be red as the roses yet
It may not be strong as the old oak trees but
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be

Your love is steady and sure as the mountains high
Moving my heart like a river that gently bends
Your love is sure

Your love is wide open spaces where I can run
And yet, we're tangled up roots in the warm broken earth
Yeah, our love is sure

And it may not be clear as the morning yet
It may not be wide as a restless sea but
Love given freely becomes what it ought to be

It may not be clear as the morning yet
It may not be wide as a restless sea
And it may not be red as the roses yet
It may not be strong as the old oak trees but

Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to and
Hearts given freely become what they ought to
Love planted deeply becomes what it ought to be
What it ought to be

She's so good-- I love her album "The House You're Building..." So much beauty and genius in her words! God has truly given her a gift, and I'm so excited to see her in concert over Christmas break.

Genius!

Thank you to a good friend who posted this as his Facebook status:


"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."
-C.S. Lewis


Here's another good quote my boyfriend came across in Adoration a few weeks ago:

"Each time you approach the Blessed Sacrament remember that Jesus has been waiting for you for twenty centuries for this personal visit from you."

-St. Joseph Escriva

The two pray-ers.

Ever since Sunday Mass, I've been so drawn to the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying in the temple... And it really makes me think that I've always been stuck in this rut of not realizing how self-righteous I can be so often like the pharisee, and yet doubt God's forgiveness even after I've confessed my sins to him like the tax collector. Where is the happy medium? Trusting in God's forgiveness, but recognizing sinfulness in a proper fashion...

This is one of those times that I wish someone else did read this blog, because this is something I didn't realize that I've been struggling with for so long, and I could use some advice. It's really holding me back from becoming the best version of myself, and I feel like I can't figure it out. I suppose I'll keep bringing it to prayer and hope that God will grant me the grace to see more clearly.

Maybe it's about loving deeper and loving wider. Not just going through the motions, or trying to get through my day, but actually living. Not being afraid of being vulnerable or humiliated. Actually believing that God loves me as I am, but that He also wants me to become the best version of myself. And that's all I actually need in this world. Other things can be wonderful and beautiful, but they're not God.

Lord, grant me the grace to strive for proper humility.

Good song...

"I look at you and my knees grow weak
I can't think and i can't speak
I wonder how you got to me
Just another day with you

You hold my hand and my face turns red
All the blood rushes to my head
I'd like to say that it's hot instead
It's just another day with you

Baby, it could never be commonplace
To put my arms around you and be swept away
'cause

You are
Beautiful under this
Wonderful amazing sky
That I'm sure the lord made just for you
And you are
Everything that I could
Ever dream about
And I thank God
For just another day with you

Maybe it's the way you smell
A dream come true from a wishing well
A million things so i can't tell
Just another day with you

It might be the clothes you wear
Or the way you toss back that blond hair
It seems like this is so unfair
Just another day with you

It might sound crazy by my heart still skips a beat
Whenever you are sitting next to me
So come a little closer and I will tell you
Who you are"

-FFH, Another Day With You

God is good. : )

More Matthew Kelly wisdom...

Rediscovering Catholicism is so good! Some more quotes I've marked and want to save:

"The proud must content themselves with mediocrity. Excellence belongs to the humble" (174).

"Our modern world is spinning out of control, and one of the chief contributors to the chaos and confusion of our modern age is noise. Our lives are filled with noise. We are afraid of silence" (182).

"Wouldn't it be nice if our souls growled when they were hungry, like our stomachs do?" (184)

A longer passage:

"Life is vocational. Each of us is created for a reason. With the shortage of vocations to the priesthood and religious life, we have forgotten that marriage and the single life are also worthy vocations. And because of our inability to reconcile sexual intimacy and holiness, the nobility of marriage as a vocation is often undermined. All this confusion leaves many people thinking that some people have a vocation and others don't. Everyone has a vocation, and unveiling that vocation is critically important to our experience of life. Life is vocational.

I guess it all comes down to deciding how long you want to be happy. If you want moments of happiness, I suspect pleasure and possessions can satisfy. If you want to be happy for an hour, take a nap. If you want to be happy for a whole day, go shopping. If you want to be happy for [a] weekend, go fishing. If you want to be happy for a month, take a trip to Australia. If you want to be happy for a whole year, inherit a fortune. But if you want to be happy for a lifetime, find a way to make a difference in other people's lives" (187).

Looking forward to reading the next chapter (14) on the Mass this week... Which is my last full week at home of the summer. Weird to think about, but I'm ready to get back. : )

Relationships...

Well, the busier-than-usual work week is over, and it really wasn't that bad. It helped to just take it one day at a time, and since everyone else had more hours than usual, too, my coworkers were fun company. When it was busy, the time went quickly.

And other things are going well... It's really good I'm past my over-analyzing, obsessing phase. It helps to know how the other person feels, of course, but I thank God for getting me through past mistakes to see how great it can be... but more importantly, how it is now.

The Lord is helping me be more patient by helping me see what I can do for the people in my life here and now. The future will come when it comes, and if I truly trust that He has it under control, there's no need for me to worry! Of course it's harder to follow through in practice, but if I look back on how I was even at the beginning of this last Spring semester, I'm encouraged by the progress I've made in that realm.

Quite a bit of wisdom was actually gained by listening (after the event) to a guys-only talk given by Lisa Cotter at the 2010 FOCUS National Conference. She discussed the traps that we as women fall into all the time, and that we often get too emotionally involved in a young man's life (often through forms of cyber-stalking and mentally-stalking) before we even know who he actually is or whether he may have feelings for us. I know I did that earlier this last semester, and hearing this after I had decided to get over him solidified my conviction that I had a lot of emotional maturation to undergo.

Sometimes, especially when this current relationship started out in a subtly stronger friendship, it was easy for my mind to go to that place... Start making plans before a word has been spoken. But, after remembering the wisdom shared in that talk, I learned to start praying for God's will for the young man and for me, while focusing on what he had placed in my lap at the time. The end of the school year was winding down, and I had a lot of commitments, homework, and studying to do. Keeping myself busy really helped, actually.

The beginning of summer was when I had a bit of trouble. I was so tempted to initiate something. A conversation on facebook, anything... I wanted to take that first step, but when I remembered the silly mistakes I had made earlier in the semester, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a young man who would want to take initiative. Not merely be willing to, but actually desire to pursue me. I didn't really know if it could or would happen, but that gave me peace. And it was really tough sometimes, especially since I had too much free time and spent a great deal of it in front of the computer screen.

Getting a job and getting busy pursuing other hobbies (reading, taking pictures, hanging out with high school friends) was a great way to occupy myself productively and wait to see if he would say or do anything. And eventually, a gradually deeper friendship developed, initiated by him pursuing time to talk! Most of my initial "concerns" are completely nonexistent, now, but of course it's good to remain patient and prudent.

But it's been amazing to see things unfolding the way that I now know my heart deeply desired all along, through my previous mistakes and impatience. So many times, it has seemed like he has heard me putting before God: "Well, I don't know how he feels about this...." and told me exactly what I wanted to know, without my asking or prompting.

Sure, the Devil's been really tricky and made me mess up a few times, but now I know he's hounding me, and I'm trying to arm myself against his wiles. So, we'll both keep praying, and who knows what will happen? It's in God's hands, and that is a comfort indeed.

Thy Will Be Done.

Lord, please help me be more patient... : )

And to not start freaking out already about my work schedule for the rest of this week. I just have to keep reminding myself that I wanted the hours and it being very busy will help the time go faster. When it rains, it pours. Just take it one day, one hour at a time.

"There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You"
-Mikeschair, "Let The Waters Rise"

 

Life is good.

You know those days when work isn't that great, but something happens afterward that just kind of makes your day? That was today. : )

I think I'm finally experiencing something that I haven't known the whole rest of my life. And the wait has been so worth it so far. I love this friendship and what it may become... Someday. A young man who's treating me with respect and doesn't make me feel insecure.

Even praying about my vocation, lately, I've been really getting the drift that God may be calling me to marriage, in that I am perhaps supposed to understand Christ's love best by being His sister rather than His bride. That seems to be what makes the most sense to me right now, but of course, I'll still keep praying and see what happens.

I don't know what to do for a photo. Haha, kind of funny that the photo thing is why I decided to start this blog, but it's turned into something so different.

Epic.

In the past couple years, I have come to realize that our society is in love with the epic. I have experienced some of it myself... Through stories, through films, through great teachers.

And there's that feeling of returning to reality after hearing a story of amazing courage. Not exactly always a fun experience, coming back to daily life and realizing that my life is not as visibly huge as the lives of many who have gone before me.

But sometimes, it gives me a charge, especially after watching some of my favorite movies such as Return of the King or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Each of the well-developed characters had huge responsibilities that they had to face and temptations that they had to overcome, and although they are fictional, their stories are the stuff of legends.

For me, it's often difficult to picture people of that grandeur and courage living today... Who would they be? Would we notice them? Would they become celebrities who are basically worshipped, or would they carry on normal lives?

When I was younger, I wanted a normal, average, life. I didn't want to be famous, I didn't want attention, and I was content to be a child unnoticed by anyone but my closest friends, family, and teachers. Since then, I've become a little disgusted with myself at how I sometimes long for attention and fame...

Deep down, though, I think it's truly the desire for More, disguised and perverted by the Devil as a yearning for power. None of us wants to live a mediocre or dull life. It can happen, undoubtedly, if we give up on the hope of something greater than what this world can offer us. Perhaps that's one reason for the proliferation of depression these days; many have lost purpose. Why live if money or power is your god? There is always more money, more people to dominate to get into a higher position. Such a sad existence.


Once in a while, modern people have stood up and shown the world a different possibility. Pope JPII, Mother Teresa, and Ghandi are just a few of the people that actually received attention from the media, from people stunned at a group of individuals who stood for something more than just fashion statements or the next "big break."

And those people are encouraging, but sometimes we forget that these kinds of individuals are people. That they have struggles, and don't always do the right thing. Matthew Kelly (Rediscovering Catholicism) calls it the "pedestal" problem, where we honor those people, but forget that they are like us, that we can become like them by overcoming the love affair that our society has with apathy. That we are all called to greatness, but perhaps not in the spotlight.

That is one reason I love, love, love being Catholic. We have the saints! People from every background, every social status... All of whom had struggles, and all of whom sought something greater than themselves. Many of them were not even known until after they had passed from this world. The reason we know them now is because they lived lives on fire for God, each in their own unique way, in their own vocation. And they were PEOPLE. Sometimes I find myself forgetting that, thinking that they are these shiny, intangible beings that sit in heaven and pray for us when we ask because they feel sorry for us.

But they pray for us because they love us, and most of them have dealt with the same struggles, and many of the same sins that we fall under. They are pretty darn awesome, and I'm thankful when God grants me the grace to realize it.

And all the nameless saints that we don't know, more people who led extraordinary lives in ordinary situations. I'm sure there are many priests, sisters, deacons, married and single people who loved God and remained unnoticed by the world at large throughout their lives, but arrived in heaven and were greeted by Jesus calling them home. I can only hope and pray to follow in their footsteps, wherever and however God is calling me to live my life.

And I can't forget the unborn children. Generations of babies who never left their mother's womb alive, but who live forever with God. My cousin, for one. And those children who died young... I met two who left the world at three months, Peter and Gianna. All guaranteed saints, willing to pray for us!

We are all called to be saints. I haven't figured out my main vocation yet, but that doesn't mean I can't fulfill my current vocation as a student (during the summer, of course) by doing God's will now and today, where he has placed me. I may never be famous in a worldly way, but I can seek to honor God with the gift of my time and life. There are struggles. I am human, but I know I was made for more. Come, Holy Spirit!

I know it's not a Bible verse, but I think the phrase "bloom where you are planted" works in this situation... And I like flowers, and yellow is my favorite color, so... this is my "Bloom where you are planted" picture:

Health & Habits

I thought I'd just do one more June post... But I've been reading more of Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly, and his comments on humility and the search for happiness are so good, I just wanted to share a couple of the many things he says that I find inspirational:

"If we would just walk humbly with our God, he would lead us by the hand to that which is just for us, made for us, intended for us, and this alone will be the cause of our deep fulfillment and happiness" (128).

-and-

"Our lives change when our habits change" (130).

Which is absolutely true, when I think about it. When I wanted to start taking better care of my health my freshman year, it started by changing old, bad, habits, and making new, good ones. I started going to the gym, making it my goal to get there at least twice a week. I watched what I ate instead of chowing down on whatever was offered in the main line at the dining center. It was hard. Very difficult, sometimes, to change what I had ingrained in my schedule for years. I had to make time to go work out.

And it got me thinking... If I can take the time to improve my physical health, why not my spiritual health? And why not get others to hold me accountable to a prayer life, in the same way that having others exercise with me helps motivate me to go in the first place. With my exercising, I started out grudgingly. I knew that I had to change my habits, and it took time, energy, and patience.

But I started seeing results. I slept better, I had more energy during the day, and was generally less moody. I knew I was taking better care of my body, and eventually, I came to enjoy and actually desire working out. That's how I knew it was good.

Because our bodies aren't bad. God gave them to us so we could take care of them, to make them temples of His Spirit. Of course we shouldn't obsess about them, because that can lead to sin... But we are meant to care for ourselves, and to desire to glorify God through our bodies.

Well, where I was really getting to with this was how I learned to desire good habits. The 20 "highly suggested" minutes of mental prayer for FOCUS leaders started out for me as an obligation. I kept checking my time, making sure I knew how many minutes I had left... But, as with the working out, I eventually came to see that prayer could transform my life. Yes, merely twenty minutes of mental prayer, minimizing distractions, and just spending time trying to converse with the Lord has so much power.

Because once you come to love those twenty minutes, it's not enough. Even if you're not sitting somewhere in a room or chapel with a Bible sitting on your lap, you can pray. Heck, my sometimes-scary driving prompted me to pray every time before I go somewhere to form me into a safer driver and keep me compassionate when I encounter driving that I don't like. Sometimes someone's name or image pops up in my head at some point during the day and I try to remember to pray for that person.

The key is to remember, and as Matthew Kelly says, habits change lives. I forget to pray all the time. Usually, it's when I'm really busy or just being really lazy. But when I remember, I find that my days have so much more meaning. They have a purpose and a higher calling than just going through the motions of a college-student-summer-life.

So my picture for today is reflecting on yesterday's readings, and I spent some time relaxing outside the other day, enjoying God's beautiful creation : ) and noticed how gorgeous the flower petals were in my mom's garden. Not just from far away, but they seemed to be actually glittery up close, shining in the sunlight that has been far too seldom in this past week.

And since my life has actually been pretty good, lately, this verse kind of reminded me of the need to praise God not only when things are rotten, but when life is wonderful and you have the time to realize it.

"Look to him that you may be radiant with joy."
-Psalm 34:6

A gem...

A facebook friend posted someone else's blog post to their wall. I don't know who it is, but I love the post! (there were only a couple things I was not entirely on board with, but most of it is absolutely fantastic)

Boundaries

And I want it on here so I can find it again if I ever need it. The part about honesty near the very end... I've seen/experienced a series of dishonest interactions, and the situation can turn out very sadly, with at least one of the people getting very seriously hurt.

Honesty is such an important aspect of any relationship... Between friends, parents and children, and even complete strangers. Which may be why I kind of have a problem with nonexclusive flirts. If a person gives little pieces of themselves to basically every person of the opposite sex that they meet, then what's left? And it leads people on, undoubtedly. Goodness, I could go on all day about that. But maybe I don't really suppose there's anything wrong with exclusively flirting with one person that someone is genuinely interested in. However, perhaps that isn't flirting, per say.

But I suppose I do tease people... but it seems that when a person teases everyone, including your friends of the same gender, your family, and other people, then it's a different story. My mom does it to new visitors to make them feel comfortable, because her family did it to visitors when she grew up. Maybe some people take offense, but if most people can tell it's not serious, it can be a great way to break the ice.

I really don't know where I'm going with this, and I really didn't intend to do more than just post that link on here, but now that I'm talking about relationship stuff, I'll just let go of some other things I've had weighing on my heart.

So, I grew up one of three girls. My dad's a quiet guy, but he's always taken such good care of us. And he's such an amazing inspiration for my faith, especially in his little sacrifices he makes each day, without complaint. But at the same time, he's not my peer.

Sure, I had a couple guy friends back in elementary school... Back when "Oh! You have Beanie Babies, and I have Beanie Babies! Let's play!" was the norm at post-lunch recesses. But once fifth grade started, and a couple people in my grade started "going out" (gag me, you're eleven years old!), I lost those friendships. I don't really mourn their loss, because each one was basically all about a single mutual interest... But I do sometimes wonder what would have happened had I experienced a single opposite-sex friendship from fifth grade until about tenth grade, when some of my girl friends started pairing up with guys I knew. And my sisters started dating, but up until the past year, their significant others just seemed to be trying to garner my approval through gifts, or, to my disgust, trying to turn my sister against me and my opinions of their less-than-healthy relationship. But I could talk about that all day too.

Would I have turned into a flirt? Would I have had a best guy friend to ask about why guys do certain things? Would I have dated in high school? I suppose I wouldn't have fallen into several silly emotional traps that I found myself in when I first started college.

I may have known how to relate to guys, but I doubt that I would have cultivated the strong same-gender friendships that are so important to me now. Because sometimes, a girl just needs her friend to watch chick flicks, do nails, or go shopping with. To have late-night conversations about standards for a relationship that has yet to happen. To cry with when things don't go as planned. And yes, not all girls are into these things, but plain and simple, girls need some girl friends, and guys need guy friends. The activities are different, but the idea is the same.

Part of my point is that I have had this rather one-sided experience for almost my entire life. It has only been in the past year that I have finally become more comfortable talking with guys on a friend-to-friend basis, without psychoanalyzing everything they say in case they might like me. A great deal of it was gained through heartache and healing with guys who I had crushes on (even though they had absolutely no interest in me) in my group of friends. And it is hard to get over some people. Especially for people like me, who become so emotionally involved with the image they create of people instead of their actual selves.

And a lot of the experience came through (it may sound strange) talking with guys whose girlfriends are some of my friends. It really helps that there's absolutely no pressure to act a certain way with them. Group settings also allow for interesting experiences, where you can see guys interact with other guys, and girls interact with guys, and girls interact with guys. And I probably should stop using the word "guy" because most of the males at school I know now aren't guys--they're men, or men-in-training. And I appreciate how they treat me with respect. It follows naturally that I should do the same for them.

CYA at home has helped, too. I'd say probably 90% of the men there are at least seven years older than I am, and they act like the brothers I've never had. : ) More great, healthy, no-pressure situations.

So, for a while, I was pretty bitter about my lack of experience with relating to males. They just didn't seem to care about or want to get to know me better for so many years. But those were immature guys (that term is appropriate), and until I came to acquaint myself with more respectful men at school and through CYA (both places include men who are trying to deepen their faith lives), I didn't know what a healthy boy-girl friendship was, or could be.

It's sad that there are so many immature guys out there... It probably doesn't help that there's a lack of good strong male role models in the world today. Even within some churches. There's so much apathy, and so much emphasis on things being "easy" and "useful." Advertisements don't talk about suffering, dedication, and patience being essential to becoming a better person. And I realize that all people of faith (who actively pursue holiness) are up against such dangerous societal attitudes, where someone's "best" is often whatever they feel like doing so that they can get what they want.

I know I give into that on a regular basis. I can be lazy. I procrastinate on my homework during the school year. I could spend all day on this computer, typing away. But if no one reads it, what good does it do? I'm writing to myself. Which is why this is great for organizing my thoughts and getting them down, but not so great for evangelization (which Firefox apparently thinks is not a word, go figure). One of my favorite priests said in a homily, "Be in the world, but not of the world."

But, on a different note, I've still been discerning my vocation. Right now, I'm feeling a stronger attraction to the vocation of marriage. I am not sure if it's something I'm creating for myself or if it's God trying to point me in the right direction, but I will keep praying.

By God's grace, I've learned to be a bit more patient with a certain situation, because He has given me peace to wait and see what happens. If anything does. Yes, it's a relationship thing. But at this point, it's so different than what I've gone through before, in that I know that if something develops, we started out on the right foot, by cultivating a friendship first. And I know that I'm getting better at the not-obsessing thing that I have always suffered from, which is so refreshing... And a whole lot easier on my nerves. ; ) At the same time, I need to pray for God's will for both myself and my friend, in case he's calling either of us to something different.

So... I think I've run out of steam... And if I think of a picture later, I'll add it.

Time to go eat lunch.

For where your treasure is...

Today's readings contain so many pearls of wisdom...

The first one from 2 Kings has some rather scary events, in which Athaliah goes into such a fit of rage that she seeks to slay her own dead son's children. One son is saved by his aunt, who hides him away for seven years. For one, I can't figure out how she wouldn't realize that a child is missing, unless she ordered other people to do the actual slaying. For another, this plot line, although usually with an evil uncle (or steward), seems very familiar. Hamlet, Prince Caspian, Return of the King...

In the end, the child reclaims his birthright to become king, his grandmother is killed, and everything is restored to order. The kid was seven years old when he became king, but ended up reigning for forty years (very important biblical number, it seems). But he follows the Lord during his entire kingship, which is extremely admirable, considering so many of the other kings talked about in history.

In stories like Prince Caspian and Return of the King, it takes a lot of faith to accept and hail a new king... It's not like now, in the US, where we can only have one president for a maximum of two terms. The people were stuck with their leader until he or she died, so that if they were freaky leaders like I'm sure Athaliah was, they couldn't do anything about it.

Lately, I've been really disillusioned with politics and politicians, most of whom only seem to be invested in their own wealth and/or power. The best politicians are ones that actually keep promises, believe in something greater than themselves, and actually practice it. They are few and far between, unfortunately... Which is why this first reading was so intriguing to me. Faced with leading a place of such import as Jerusalem, Joash, the king, must have faced so much temptation with power, and yet he maintained respect and reverence, going down in history as a great leader.

The Gospel is one of those super-famous passages in Matthew 6 about treasure and the eye/light/dark thing... I'll just copy the first part since it's short:

Jesus said to his disciples:

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,

where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal.

But store up treasures in heaven,

where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal.

For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”

The treasure part is pretty understandable, but its Truth is poignant. At Mass today, the priest spoke for less than a minute, speaking about how a family was planning a funeral and decided that this passage perfectly described the deceased person's life. What an honor!

Where is my heart? Am I setting my heart only on earthly treasures: money, friends, hobbies (which are all good in their way), or am I pursuing the treasure of eternal life? How do I do this?

I picked up "Rediscovering Catholicism" by Matthew Kelly again after letting it gather dust on my bookshelf for far too long... And there's a chapter on leading an authentic life that I found was spot on. Kelly says, "Our daily tasks have spiritual value. You don't work for eight dollars an hour, you work to transform your soul, to become more fully yourself, and thus, to give glory to God" (69). He reasons that we, as Christians, have lost the art of striving for holiness, because we have forgotten what it is.

Even in my daily, mundane tasks, I can pursue holiness by giving everything to God.

And as for the eye/light/darkness thing, since I like taking pictures of eyes so much (hahaha), I decided to do my picture for part of that passage:

"The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light."
-Matthew 6:22

Decisions...

Well, things are looking up! The job situation was very discouraging for a while, but now things are settled. I had an interview for an internship one morning a little over a week ago, and I thought it would be the ideal situation… Good pay, good hours, science-related. But the interview… well, let’s just say that it was overwhelming, and I determined that I wasn’t really comfortable with the work environment, but I was still tempted. The interviewers had told me that they would get in touch with me in 1-2 weeks, after they interviewed more candidates.

I had checked up on the status of an application at a retail store I had gotten an interview at earlier in the week, and had been told that the manager would get in touch with me the day I had the interview for the internship.

Complicated, complicated. Well, I got a call from the retail store while I was driving back home from the internship interview, and let it go to voicemail since I don’t like answering my phone while driving. And I prayed. And I prayed. And I talked to my mom. And prayed some more.

And, like most girls, I talked to my mom to figure my own problems out. She is one of the best listeners that I know… And she didn’t give advice; she just let me spill and prompted me to weigh out the decision. Waiting around to hear about the internship would drive me crazy while on vacation, and trying to relax about everything that’s plagued me for the last few weeks. But the pay was good, and I didn’t even know if the retail place was going to offer me a job.

At the time, and now, I still realize that these kinds of decisions can shape someone’s life. Yes, it may just be a “summer job,” but these kinds of experiences can mold us in ways that we never imagined. How do we make the right decision? I was tempted… SO tempted… to stick with waiting out for the internship because the pay and hours would be better than any other retail position I applied for. And it would look good on my resume.

But eventually, after deciding against the internship, I called the retail store back, and took the job that they offered me. I waited to feel remorse, or regret, but it didn’t come. I felt peace. Yes, the hours may not give me a lot of flexibility, and the pay isn’t nearly as good, but the women I will be working with seem very friendly and helpful. I thanked God that I didn’t have to worry about not having a job while I went on vacation with my family. I thanked Him that all my scurrying around to find something finally paid off.

My joy was not marred by the internship company calling me later that afternoon (after I had finished the paperwork for becoming an employee for the retail position), offering me the internship. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t feel bad about the situation.

The peace and the joy are what tipped me off that this was the right decision from a faith perspective. I knew that this is a very important summer for me; it necessitated a choice between being content with getting a little cash to pay for gas next school year, and having a lot more money and less time to spend in service.

Because I already know my schedule for June (I love how they put it together ahead of time), I know that I will have time to go to daily Mass and adoration every week. I can volunteer at the library again, probably, which I loved doing last summer. I can get weekends off next month to spend time with people coming in from out of town, and going up to school to visit.

And this peace… It’s wonderful. Because it reminds me of the peace I felt when I knew I made the right decision about where to go to school, how to get involved at the Newman Center, and who to disciple through FOCUS, and who to ask to be my roommate. And I know it doesn’t come from me. It comes from God.

I just had to do my part (applying), and he took over and made things happen like they were supposed to. I know it’s not going to be a piece of cake; no job is easy. But I know I’m where he wants me to be, and that gives me hope.

Verses from my favorite psalm had been going through my head throughout this whole struggle, and it’s actually in the readings for today… Perfect! : )

“I raise my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? It comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.”

–Psalm 121:1-2

Peace

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

I've been watching a few Youtube videos on vocation and dating and such made by LifeTeen:
Vocation confusion
Sisters: in their own words
Are you ready to date?

They're really, really good! The "Are you ready to date?" one was kind of interesting, because I think it applies a lot to what I mentioned in my last post, of discerning things... And of course, the woman was talking about dating, but I think it can apply to just about any situation. She says that a person is ready to date when they feel peace in both their person (feeling comfortable with who they are) and in their prayer life (being able to enter into prayer more fully).

Very good words of advice, because before, I kind of considered that decisions required knowledge, of knowing that something is correct or the "right" path. I suppose that's right in some way... But I never got to the root of it, that that knowing comes from having peace with God and trusting in his powers to show me what He wants to lead me to. It's not necessarily just a "happy" feeling inside (which, sadly, the devil can manipulate), but it's a closeness with God and his will.

My job situation lately has been only one such situation... I applied with my mom's company earlier this month, and they basically told me that they had to go through the formalities of the application and the interviews and such because they had to legally to offer someone a job. That I basically had it in the bag. After the in-person interview, they realized that I go back to school a lot earlier than most college students from around where I live, and after a couple messy discussions between managers, they decided not to offer me the job.

That crushed my pride, because, for one, it almost seemed like they were coming up with excuses not to hire me. I thought the interviews went well, but that's only my perspective. My mom kept telling me that it's not me, that it's their politics and inner workings, but I kept beating myself up, basically.

Until I realized that maybe that was meant to happen. That I placed my hope too fully on this one opportunity and that I needed a healthy dose of humility. Before I went into the interview, I prayed for God's will. And this must have been it. I'm not supposed to work there, and it should give me comfort to know that God found a way for me to not get the position. It still hurts, but with a ton more applications to fill out and checking up, I really hope I can get something. If it is His will.

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
-Proverbs 3:6

As for my vocation, I've been really attracted to the vocation of marriage lately, but once again, I just have to keep asking God to show me... in his time, what is best.


"But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today."
-Deuteronomy 8:18

How?

Oh, this whole discernment thing is tough. I have to admit, I really don't know how to even tell when, or even if, the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do something. With my college decision, I could feel it down to my core. I know I'm in the right place here, and that I'm supposed to be a Bible study leader through FOCUS. That much I've discerned.

But what about everyday things? Whether it's okay to like a certain guy (yes, I know, again with the guys)... Or whether I should approach certain friends about issues I want to help them with over the summer.

There are so many little decisions every day in my life, and I know that most of the time I just decide without thinking or praying about it. Certain things should be habit, right, like brushing my teeth or going to class? Should I try to do those things with a more prayerful approach, even if they seem mundane?

And I'm trying to discern my vocation, since God should be my priority. The litany of humility keeps bringing me back to a higher calling, of being okay if nothing happens with a certain situation... Which kind of confuses me, but oh well.

But summer is here, and I guess it's okay to walk away from my school issues for a while and focus on home. My family, my friends here, my job prospects. Why do I cling so tightly to something I can do very little about from a distance? And something I should not worry about because if it's meant to happen, it will happen.

"Blessed be the Lord day by day, God, our salvation, who carries us."
-Psalm 68:20

Confusion?

My mom, an extremely wise woman, told me that God is not a God of confusion. That He is clear... And I know that my impatience with his timing is entirely of my own doing. He doesn't want me to be worried or puzzled about situations that may or may not happen. If it's His will, I want to will it too. But if it isn't, then... I'll be okay.

It's been pretty cloudy and gloomy lately, "perfect" weather for dead week. But the end of the semester is in sight, and then the summer begins. Beautiful freedom, and hopefully a chance to grow deeper in my faith by reaching out to others. More opportunities to see and appreciate the dignity of those I encounter.

Tobymac:
"So, baby, hold on
Just another day or two [or until next Friday]
I can see the clouds are moving faster now
And the sun is breaking through"

Coldplay: "We live in a beautiful world / Yeah, we do (yeah, we do)"

Humility

Humility is one tough virtue. When I realize I'm being "humble," I become prideful... And if I realize I've recognized that I'm being prideful, that's humility... And then pride at recognizing it. And then I end up with a headache and forget what I was praying about in the first place.

It's a vicious circle that the devil likes to trap all of us in. So how do we get out of it?

TRUTH. (with a capital T)

Because if there's anything the devil can't stand, it's Truth. Because he can't do anything about it except try to distract us from it. And God is Truth...

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but this litany of humility that our Fiat group says at school is really cool:

Litany of Humility
by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Beautiful words of wisdom to give us the right focus.

Especially lately, the "From the desire of being preferred to others... Deliver me, Jesus" has been really tough, but good for me to meditate on. So often, I seek attention, especially from the opposite gender. And I know this is a common problem for a lot of other girls... Just desiring a guy to look at us and realize that we are special. That we have depth and worth and dignity, and are beautiful daughters of God.

That we want to settle... So badly. But we know, deep down, that we were made for more. For a guy who is willing to put his ego on the line to show us that he cares enough about us to risk rejection. And if a girl doesn't appreciate his putting his neck on the chopping block, she has problems. And if a guy doesn't make the effort to seek her out, she might either give up and move on or pursue him.

But back to humility, hahaha...

It's hard to seek a special relationship with someone while simultaneously discerning a vocation and pursuing humility. So maybe something has to go... And it's probably appropriate that humility would help me discern my vocation properly, without focusing on desiring attention and a relationship when I'm not ready for one.

Humility would help me focus on God. And since all virtues are interconnected, I would grow in patience, learning to trust in His plan for me revealed when He wills it.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith."
-Hebrews 12:1-2

"We fix our eyes upon the cross/And run to Him who showed great love"
-Matt Maher, Christ Has Risen

A few thoughts...

"Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from gettin' to you..."

So the Lord says to each of us.

Lately I've fallen short in my prayer life, which is sad, because this is my favorite part of the Church year! But ever since I stopped doing my picture project, I've kind of... forgotten... about going through the readings every day. And reading them is so helpful!

But the past is the past.

Some things are so hard to move past, however.

See, there's this guy.

(I wonder how many conversations include that phrase)

And, like most girls, I became so emotionally involved with having a crush on him that I forgot about his dignity. That he probably didn't want anything beyond friendship with me, and that God's will for him probably doesn't include a relationship with me. But I kept hoping, kept planning, kept analyzing everything he did. Why do girls do this? Why do I do this?

I've asked myself that so many times, even while I do these silly things. Is it that I want attention, or the status of being in a relationship, or do I legitimately have the desire to share myself with someone else and am just going about it in the wrong way?

I am single, and my life is pretty good. I lead a Bible study with three amazing girls, all of whom inspire me to be a more powerful witness to my faith. I'm doing pretty well in school (except in organic chemistry, which I just do not seem to understand), and have been blessed with few financial burdens because of scholarships. I have improved my health since being in college out of my own desire to take care of what God gave to me. My family has a strong faith, and I have an amazing group of friends here at school. What do I have to complain about?

Yes, I have never been in a relationship, and a guy has never truly told me he liked me. But do I really need that to be happy? I shouldn't. My relationship with the Lord should be the most important thing that guides my entire life. Only then will I have true joy, and be able to discern what He has in store for me.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record already, but I know it all comes back to trust. And I read in a book that God does not want blind trust from us... He wants us to know Him, to trust Him because we believe, to our very core, that his Truth and his love for us can conquer anything we will come up against.

I don't really have a picture for today. I just thought I'd throw this out there at the Internet void.

Hope.

Lately, I've been kind of disheartened... The state of society, relationship stuff, and just in general (usually involving me being impatient) with my discernment process.

And I didn't really expect to find inspiration in a candy wrapper, but some of those Dove messages really have some cool stuff. The other day, as I was indulging in some excellent dark chocolate, I opened up my wrapper to see: "Here's to something more powerful than chocolate. Hope." -Leah from New York, New York.

Well, yeah, hope is more powerful than chocolate. It brings people together, it helps us in our daily struggles against evil and temptations... But it really got me thinking, since I gather the message was supposed to be ironic. Or sarcastic. Or whatever the proper term is, but, anyway, that hope really is a powerful thing.

And power can be dangerous. Think Hitler. Hope can be devastating, especially when we put our trust in the wrong place, and things don't go the way we wanted them to. The crash back to reality can bring a person to their knees.

But, of course, that's the perfect position to begin praying. And believe me, I've experienced that quite a bit recently.

Emily Dickinson said:

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

Hope is supposed to be a sweet, beautiful, and potent "thing" to help us get through life's storms, or to help us reach higher than we ever thought we could. But what if we weren't supposed to reach for a particular thing? What if we are meant to fail in some things?

If I watch a movie, see a handsome actor, and aspire to meet and marry him, I would be placing my hope in the wrong place, unless, of course, I were also famous and had the accessibility to meet the said actor.

This is an extreme example, of course, but often I forget that the things I hope for should be realistic and--ding, ding, ding--help me strive for holiness in the first place. Sometimes I forget about this. I see a great guy, who is faithful and kind, and I tell myself I just want to get to know him. Be a good friend, and keep my focus on Jesus. But at the same time, I allow myself to start thinking beyond such things, and pretty soon, I hunger for his attention instead of trying to wait for the Lord's plan for my life.

My discernment process begins to be tainted by my desires, and I forget that I must first grow in holiness, learn to be satisfied by God's love alone, before I can think about learning God's plan for my life.

Hope can be so beautiful. And so deadly.

I know this passage is used a lot, but recently, I've tried to meditate on it to get a clearer focus on how trusting in God will help me put my hope in the right thing--in Him.

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call to me, when you go to pray to me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot[...]"
-Jeremiah 29:11-14

Basically, hope is all about trust, too. Funny how that is. It all comes back to surrendering.

Lord, Thy Will Be Done.

Help me to will it.

Meditating...

Hmm... I've been thinking a lot about some of the verses I've done so far for my Lenten album. A lot of them have really reflected what I've been worried about lately, as far as discerning my vocation, and untangling myself from relationship issues... And learning how to surrender.

In high school, you would NEVER have caught me doing stuff like this: being bolder with my faith, wearing shirts that have anything to do with being Catholic or Christian, or even posting Bible verses as my status. I spoke up in class maybe twice my entire school career before college. Some part of me feared losing friends who didn't share my beliefs. Part of it was the fear of being looked down on in general, or having people think I was stupid or foolish for believing in a higher power. What has happened in college that has helped me move past this fear of humiliation?

I know that most of this new courage comes from having an amazing group of friends up here at the Newman Center, and seeing other inspiring students who aren't afraid to share themselves with their peers. And not worry what other people think. College has definitely been liberating in that way. Yes, I am often discouraged and, of course, I have doubts.

But maintaining an active and deeper prayer life has done wonders for me, that I can only attribute to relinquishing some of the control I often grip so tightly. I remember back at a Steubenville Conference at St. Thomas one summer, I heard a talk from the brilliant and hilarious Mark Hart, who spoke about surrender.

A chronic control freak like me (yes, I am that type who hates group projects because I practically beg everyone to let me do everything) has a lot of trouble letting go. Heck, I liked one guy for seven years of my life, even though there was absolutely no indication that he had any feelings for me beyond a distant acquaintance. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Mark Hart talked about those people who say, "I let God be the copilot in my life."

And that has basically been the story of my life. Yep, I direct what I do, but he's there in case I get in trouble or have a tough time. If things are going great, maybe we'll chat a little, have some small talk. But the problem is that I'm still the pilot.

Mark Hart went on to say that we need to allow God to be the pilot. And we just sit in the back, and allow him to take us through... Through the turbulence and the sunshine. Trusting that he will get us where we need to go safely.

But, of course, I'm so afraid to let Him take over. In my head, it makes sense. Doing His will would make me ultimately happy. I should surrender, like I tried to say with this picture:

"Gladden the soul of your servant; to you, Lord, I lift up my soul."
-Psalm 86:4

As my vocation goes, however, I just plain don't know what is going on.

I want to marry. I really do. But is that His will?

People have told me that I should consider religious life. Sometimes that feels like a pressure bearing down on me.

But I see beautiful freedom in both marriage and religious life. Right now, they both seem appealing and terrifying all at the same time.

Part of this anxiety may come from the fact that I have never had a boyfriend. Sometimes, that eats me up inside, the wretched loneliness and longing for another person, and I allow it to drag me down. At other times, I am perfectly content with my singleness and who I am and what I can do with the time given to me.

Recently, the devil has beaten me down a bit about that. It's so tricky how he sows seeds of discontent and self-pity in just the right way to eat at me and distract me from the Lord. Makes me think that I'm not beautiful enough, not brave enough, not outgoing enough to deserve love. And then I talk to my mom, dad, sisters, or one of my wonderful friends here, or read a verse, or something just incredibly sparks a moment of clarity inside my soul.

This happened on Day 12: "Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!"
-Psalm 27:14

I wish I could have moments like this every day.

Times when patience seems more appealing than having a boyfriend, or receiving praise.

Being sick this week helped me realize, though, that often when I feel crappy and think that the world is against me, I am letting small, beautiful things pass me by. And when I'm miserable and allow myself to dwell on the fact that I'm miserable, I trap myself in a vicious circle of discontent that accomplishes nothing and often drags down the people around me.

But, anyway.

Just some thoughts for today, before I unplug myself from the Internet to get some homework done.

...A beginning...

I'm really not one for blogs...

Honestly, who is going to care about the mindless blathering of a Catholic college student trying to figure out the course of her life, whose only talents include singing, taking pictures, being a control freak, and wasting time?

My silly idea for a blog started with this Lenten project I've started for this year's journey of prayer, penance, and almsgiving. Usually, I just give up some form of food. Last year, it was Ramen. And, being the cheap, halophilic college student I am, it was tough. But I cut my usual voracious consumption back to moderation.

Lately, I've had a lot of stuff going on in my head that just needs to get out. Not just in a journal style, but to remind myself of certain conclusions I've reached after the moment of inspiration passes. Those moments when something just clicks. The world makes sense for an instant, and then it leaves, and you feel just as silly as you did before it came.

But there I go again, random and disorganized.

So, my idea for this blog came from my Lenten photo project on facebook. Instead of just giving stuff up, I decided to create a photo album on facebook, a photo a day, using the daily readings for Mass. So far, I've been pretty proactive. I actually look up the next day's readings ahead of time! Pretty good for a college student, huh?

But it is kind of fun, and I find myself thinking about the scripture as I go about my day. Now I've been wondering. Should I stop this when Lent ends? If it's helping me become a better Catholic, meditating on scripture on a daily basis and taking pictures (which I love to do)... Could I commit to doing this beyond Easter?

It probably wouldn't be a daily thing, since finals kind of swallow my time around mid-May... But it could be a good outlet. I love seeing tiny things. The details of life that other peoples' eyes usually flit over when they peruse their surroundings. And my camera takes a pretty darn good macro picture. I'm really no good at people pictures. Details are my thing, and it probably seems pretty obvious.

I really couldn't care less if anyone reads this thing. But here's the link to my photo album on facebook, anyway.

Lenten Project

Psalm 27:1 "The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom do I fear? The LORD is my life's refuge; of whom am I afraid?"

God bless!

-Em