And other things are going well... It's really good I'm past my over-analyzing, obsessing phase. It helps to know how the other person feels, of course, but I thank God for getting me through past mistakes to see how great it can be... but more importantly, how it is now.
The Lord is helping me be more patient by helping me see what I can do for the people in my life here and now. The future will come when it comes, and if I truly trust that He has it under control, there's no need for me to worry! Of course it's harder to follow through in practice, but if I look back on how I was even at the beginning of this last Spring semester, I'm encouraged by the progress I've made in that realm.
Quite a bit of wisdom was actually gained by listening (after the event) to a guys-only talk given by Lisa Cotter at the 2010 FOCUS National Conference. She discussed the traps that we as women fall into all the time, and that we often get too emotionally involved in a young man's life (often through forms of cyber-stalking and mentally-stalking) before we even know who he actually is or whether he may have feelings for us. I know I did that earlier this last semester, and hearing this after I had decided to get over him solidified my conviction that I had a lot of emotional maturation to undergo.
Sometimes, especially when this current relationship started out in a subtly stronger friendship, it was easy for my mind to go to that place... Start making plans before a word has been spoken. But, after remembering the wisdom shared in that talk, I learned to start praying for God's will for the young man and for me, while focusing on what he had placed in my lap at the time. The end of the school year was winding down, and I had a lot of commitments, homework, and studying to do. Keeping myself busy really helped, actually.
The beginning of summer was when I had a bit of trouble. I was so tempted to initiate something. A conversation on facebook, anything... I wanted to take that first step, but when I remembered the silly mistakes I had made earlier in the semester, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a young man who would want to take initiative. Not merely be willing to, but actually desire to pursue me. I didn't really know if it could or would happen, but that gave me peace. And it was really tough sometimes, especially since I had too much free time and spent a great deal of it in front of the computer screen.
Getting a job and getting busy pursuing other hobbies (reading, taking pictures, hanging out with high school friends) was a great way to occupy myself productively and wait to see if he would say or do anything. And eventually, a gradually deeper friendship developed, initiated by him pursuing time to talk! Most of my initial "concerns" are completely nonexistent, now, but of course it's good to remain patient and prudent.
But it's been amazing to see things unfolding the way that I now know my heart deeply desired all along, through my previous mistakes and impatience. So many times, it has seemed like he has heard me putting before God: "Well, I don't know how he feels about this...." and told me exactly what I wanted to know, without my asking or prompting.
Sure, the Devil's been really tricky and made me mess up a few times, but now I know he's hounding me, and I'm trying to arm myself against his wiles. So, we'll both keep praying, and who knows what will happen? It's in God's hands, and that is a comfort indeed.
Thy Will Be Done.
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