My boyfriend and I of almost a year and a half "broke up" or made the decision to "take a break" three days ago. At the time, I felt a great sense of relief. We had been feeling so much pressure--from friends and family--to get engaged this semester. And neither of us was ready. So we decided to take some time off, at least until the end of Lent, to figure out stuff on our own.
At least, that is what was on my heart that day. Since then, I have entered into utter confusion. I get the feeling that the devil is trying to overwhelm me with the gravity of what we did, and make me feel more alone than ever. Last night, I made the mistake of trying to escape from my problems by spending the whole evening in front of the TV, trying to numb the pain of having far more free time now that I'm not with him anymore.
It was hard enough talking with him yesterday afternoon, wanting to hug him, put my hand on his shoulder, convince him (and myself) that everything will be okay. He is still the best young man I have ever known, and I value our close friendship. We left on good terms--having committed to purity, I don't have any regrets. I don't want it to be the end, especially since that is not the reason why we separated. But boundaries do need to be set up, and the heart needs time to heal.
Yes, he does understand me better than any other person on this campus right now... My family is over 200 miles away, and the only roommate who seems to care is rather busy with schoolwork. I miss him. I really, really miss him.
But Jesus wanted me all to himself this Lent. Of anyone, he has the right... I owe him everything. But right now, I am sad. I want to grieve. Satan wants me to think that Jesus wants me to get over everything right away and move on, but that is a downright lie. Jesus is here with me... Every time I ask him to hold me because I feel so alone, he wraps his love around me. I would like to think that he grieves with me, as I believe these are proper, holy tears that mourn the separation of two human beings.
Separation. It's tough... It will take time, and I need to get used to throwing myself at the feet of Jesus. He is the only one who can make this situation into a beautiful love story.
I wish people could know why we broke up, because I'm sure there are a lot of stories going around at the Newman that aren't correct. Most people probably think it's because we believed ourselves incompatible, which is dead wrong. Well, perhaps in our current state, we are... but that does not bar the possible future, when we hope to have conquered what has been holding us back from Christ, and each other. But perhaps I just need to be okay with them thinking what they think. I would probably assume the same things if I saw that happen to another couple.
The pressures are gone, so I need to ask Jesus for healing. It's going to hurt, I know. But the relief will be sweet.
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