Relationships...

Well, the busier-than-usual work week is over, and it really wasn't that bad. It helped to just take it one day at a time, and since everyone else had more hours than usual, too, my coworkers were fun company. When it was busy, the time went quickly.

And other things are going well... It's really good I'm past my over-analyzing, obsessing phase. It helps to know how the other person feels, of course, but I thank God for getting me through past mistakes to see how great it can be... but more importantly, how it is now.

The Lord is helping me be more patient by helping me see what I can do for the people in my life here and now. The future will come when it comes, and if I truly trust that He has it under control, there's no need for me to worry! Of course it's harder to follow through in practice, but if I look back on how I was even at the beginning of this last Spring semester, I'm encouraged by the progress I've made in that realm.

Quite a bit of wisdom was actually gained by listening (after the event) to a guys-only talk given by Lisa Cotter at the 2010 FOCUS National Conference. She discussed the traps that we as women fall into all the time, and that we often get too emotionally involved in a young man's life (often through forms of cyber-stalking and mentally-stalking) before we even know who he actually is or whether he may have feelings for us. I know I did that earlier this last semester, and hearing this after I had decided to get over him solidified my conviction that I had a lot of emotional maturation to undergo.

Sometimes, especially when this current relationship started out in a subtly stronger friendship, it was easy for my mind to go to that place... Start making plans before a word has been spoken. But, after remembering the wisdom shared in that talk, I learned to start praying for God's will for the young man and for me, while focusing on what he had placed in my lap at the time. The end of the school year was winding down, and I had a lot of commitments, homework, and studying to do. Keeping myself busy really helped, actually.

The beginning of summer was when I had a bit of trouble. I was so tempted to initiate something. A conversation on facebook, anything... I wanted to take that first step, but when I remembered the silly mistakes I had made earlier in the semester, I realized that I wanted a relationship with a young man who would want to take initiative. Not merely be willing to, but actually desire to pursue me. I didn't really know if it could or would happen, but that gave me peace. And it was really tough sometimes, especially since I had too much free time and spent a great deal of it in front of the computer screen.

Getting a job and getting busy pursuing other hobbies (reading, taking pictures, hanging out with high school friends) was a great way to occupy myself productively and wait to see if he would say or do anything. And eventually, a gradually deeper friendship developed, initiated by him pursuing time to talk! Most of my initial "concerns" are completely nonexistent, now, but of course it's good to remain patient and prudent.

But it's been amazing to see things unfolding the way that I now know my heart deeply desired all along, through my previous mistakes and impatience. So many times, it has seemed like he has heard me putting before God: "Well, I don't know how he feels about this...." and told me exactly what I wanted to know, without my asking or prompting.

Sure, the Devil's been really tricky and made me mess up a few times, but now I know he's hounding me, and I'm trying to arm myself against his wiles. So, we'll both keep praying, and who knows what will happen? It's in God's hands, and that is a comfort indeed.

Thy Will Be Done.

Lord, please help me be more patient... : )

And to not start freaking out already about my work schedule for the rest of this week. I just have to keep reminding myself that I wanted the hours and it being very busy will help the time go faster. When it rains, it pours. Just take it one day, one hour at a time.

"There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You"
-Mikeschair, "Let The Waters Rise"

 

Life is good.

You know those days when work isn't that great, but something happens afterward that just kind of makes your day? That was today. : )

I think I'm finally experiencing something that I haven't known the whole rest of my life. And the wait has been so worth it so far. I love this friendship and what it may become... Someday. A young man who's treating me with respect and doesn't make me feel insecure.

Even praying about my vocation, lately, I've been really getting the drift that God may be calling me to marriage, in that I am perhaps supposed to understand Christ's love best by being His sister rather than His bride. That seems to be what makes the most sense to me right now, but of course, I'll still keep praying and see what happens.

I don't know what to do for a photo. Haha, kind of funny that the photo thing is why I decided to start this blog, but it's turned into something so different.

Epic.

In the past couple years, I have come to realize that our society is in love with the epic. I have experienced some of it myself... Through stories, through films, through great teachers.

And there's that feeling of returning to reality after hearing a story of amazing courage. Not exactly always a fun experience, coming back to daily life and realizing that my life is not as visibly huge as the lives of many who have gone before me.

But sometimes, it gives me a charge, especially after watching some of my favorite movies such as Return of the King or The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Each of the well-developed characters had huge responsibilities that they had to face and temptations that they had to overcome, and although they are fictional, their stories are the stuff of legends.

For me, it's often difficult to picture people of that grandeur and courage living today... Who would they be? Would we notice them? Would they become celebrities who are basically worshipped, or would they carry on normal lives?

When I was younger, I wanted a normal, average, life. I didn't want to be famous, I didn't want attention, and I was content to be a child unnoticed by anyone but my closest friends, family, and teachers. Since then, I've become a little disgusted with myself at how I sometimes long for attention and fame...

Deep down, though, I think it's truly the desire for More, disguised and perverted by the Devil as a yearning for power. None of us wants to live a mediocre or dull life. It can happen, undoubtedly, if we give up on the hope of something greater than what this world can offer us. Perhaps that's one reason for the proliferation of depression these days; many have lost purpose. Why live if money or power is your god? There is always more money, more people to dominate to get into a higher position. Such a sad existence.


Once in a while, modern people have stood up and shown the world a different possibility. Pope JPII, Mother Teresa, and Ghandi are just a few of the people that actually received attention from the media, from people stunned at a group of individuals who stood for something more than just fashion statements or the next "big break."

And those people are encouraging, but sometimes we forget that these kinds of individuals are people. That they have struggles, and don't always do the right thing. Matthew Kelly (Rediscovering Catholicism) calls it the "pedestal" problem, where we honor those people, but forget that they are like us, that we can become like them by overcoming the love affair that our society has with apathy. That we are all called to greatness, but perhaps not in the spotlight.

That is one reason I love, love, love being Catholic. We have the saints! People from every background, every social status... All of whom had struggles, and all of whom sought something greater than themselves. Many of them were not even known until after they had passed from this world. The reason we know them now is because they lived lives on fire for God, each in their own unique way, in their own vocation. And they were PEOPLE. Sometimes I find myself forgetting that, thinking that they are these shiny, intangible beings that sit in heaven and pray for us when we ask because they feel sorry for us.

But they pray for us because they love us, and most of them have dealt with the same struggles, and many of the same sins that we fall under. They are pretty darn awesome, and I'm thankful when God grants me the grace to realize it.

And all the nameless saints that we don't know, more people who led extraordinary lives in ordinary situations. I'm sure there are many priests, sisters, deacons, married and single people who loved God and remained unnoticed by the world at large throughout their lives, but arrived in heaven and were greeted by Jesus calling them home. I can only hope and pray to follow in their footsteps, wherever and however God is calling me to live my life.

And I can't forget the unborn children. Generations of babies who never left their mother's womb alive, but who live forever with God. My cousin, for one. And those children who died young... I met two who left the world at three months, Peter and Gianna. All guaranteed saints, willing to pray for us!

We are all called to be saints. I haven't figured out my main vocation yet, but that doesn't mean I can't fulfill my current vocation as a student (during the summer, of course) by doing God's will now and today, where he has placed me. I may never be famous in a worldly way, but I can seek to honor God with the gift of my time and life. There are struggles. I am human, but I know I was made for more. Come, Holy Spirit!

I know it's not a Bible verse, but I think the phrase "bloom where you are planted" works in this situation... And I like flowers, and yellow is my favorite color, so... this is my "Bloom where you are planted" picture: