Humility

Humility is one tough virtue. When I realize I'm being "humble," I become prideful... And if I realize I've recognized that I'm being prideful, that's humility... And then pride at recognizing it. And then I end up with a headache and forget what I was praying about in the first place.

It's a vicious circle that the devil likes to trap all of us in. So how do we get out of it?

TRUTH. (with a capital T)

Because if there's anything the devil can't stand, it's Truth. Because he can't do anything about it except try to distract us from it. And God is Truth...

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but this litany of humility that our Fiat group says at school is really cool:

Litany of Humility
by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Beautiful words of wisdom to give us the right focus.

Especially lately, the "From the desire of being preferred to others... Deliver me, Jesus" has been really tough, but good for me to meditate on. So often, I seek attention, especially from the opposite gender. And I know this is a common problem for a lot of other girls... Just desiring a guy to look at us and realize that we are special. That we have depth and worth and dignity, and are beautiful daughters of God.

That we want to settle... So badly. But we know, deep down, that we were made for more. For a guy who is willing to put his ego on the line to show us that he cares enough about us to risk rejection. And if a girl doesn't appreciate his putting his neck on the chopping block, she has problems. And if a guy doesn't make the effort to seek her out, she might either give up and move on or pursue him.

But back to humility, hahaha...

It's hard to seek a special relationship with someone while simultaneously discerning a vocation and pursuing humility. So maybe something has to go... And it's probably appropriate that humility would help me discern my vocation properly, without focusing on desiring attention and a relationship when I'm not ready for one.

Humility would help me focus on God. And since all virtues are interconnected, I would grow in patience, learning to trust in His plan for me revealed when He wills it.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith."
-Hebrews 12:1-2

"We fix our eyes upon the cross/And run to Him who showed great love"
-Matt Maher, Christ Has Risen

A few thoughts...

"Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep me from gettin' to you..."

So the Lord says to each of us.

Lately I've fallen short in my prayer life, which is sad, because this is my favorite part of the Church year! But ever since I stopped doing my picture project, I've kind of... forgotten... about going through the readings every day. And reading them is so helpful!

But the past is the past.

Some things are so hard to move past, however.

See, there's this guy.

(I wonder how many conversations include that phrase)

And, like most girls, I became so emotionally involved with having a crush on him that I forgot about his dignity. That he probably didn't want anything beyond friendship with me, and that God's will for him probably doesn't include a relationship with me. But I kept hoping, kept planning, kept analyzing everything he did. Why do girls do this? Why do I do this?

I've asked myself that so many times, even while I do these silly things. Is it that I want attention, or the status of being in a relationship, or do I legitimately have the desire to share myself with someone else and am just going about it in the wrong way?

I am single, and my life is pretty good. I lead a Bible study with three amazing girls, all of whom inspire me to be a more powerful witness to my faith. I'm doing pretty well in school (except in organic chemistry, which I just do not seem to understand), and have been blessed with few financial burdens because of scholarships. I have improved my health since being in college out of my own desire to take care of what God gave to me. My family has a strong faith, and I have an amazing group of friends here at school. What do I have to complain about?

Yes, I have never been in a relationship, and a guy has never truly told me he liked me. But do I really need that to be happy? I shouldn't. My relationship with the Lord should be the most important thing that guides my entire life. Only then will I have true joy, and be able to discern what He has in store for me.

I'm sure I sound like a broken record already, but I know it all comes back to trust. And I read in a book that God does not want blind trust from us... He wants us to know Him, to trust Him because we believe, to our very core, that his Truth and his love for us can conquer anything we will come up against.

I don't really have a picture for today. I just thought I'd throw this out there at the Internet void.